Getting to know the neighbours

My block of flats had a summer garden party last night and I thought I'd go along, if only to meet the pretty-but-moody girl who's moved in below.

I'd made a couple of elaborate salads for the buffet in order to gain acceptance with the other residents (many of whom would undoubtedly remember my infamous housewarming party last year). Good move: I was taken immediately under the wing of the gay couple organising the show, and plied with free booze and great gossip.

After a few Pinot Grigios one of the silver-haired queens, Karl, recounted a story from the days when a retired sergeant major named MacKenzie inhabited our square.

The bigoted MacKenzie enters the gate one day to see Karl and partner Adam in some kind of embrace. Appalled, he harrumphs: "We had the parking fiasco, then the pigeons... now we've got the poofs!"

In campest tones Karl drawls "But my dear, the three "p"s, how wonderful!".

And just as the old codger is about to explode there is a bark of "MACKENZIE! Is that YOU again?!". All turn to the corner of the square where, fully naked at his living room window, stands a household name Gay Historian - then a resident. From this public vantage GH unleashes a storm of furious wit and belittlement on the hapless MacKenzie who has no choice but to skulk back to his flat, humiliated.

And then there's Louise, the schizophrenic old lady who frequently hounds my poor flatmate about his "unsightly" bicycle. Last night's news was that some urchins had been drinking in the square, so Louise had marched outside to give them a telling off.

Urchin: "Fuck off grandma, yeah?"

80 yr-old Louise [screaming]: "No sunshine, you fuck off, right out of my square you horrible little cunt!" The kids fled.

Apparently she knew the Krays!

The evening ended in the marquee, me sharing a spliff with the poofs and a couple of randoms. I knew I'd drunk too much when I heard myself asking Karl's boyfriend if he was "the pusher or the sewer" (eh?) and had to go home where, gurning over the basin, I managed to pull the mirror unit off the wall: smash! The vomiting began and my flatmate came home to the sight of me semi-conscious on the bathroom floor, surrounded by mirror glass. He and his girlfriend accepted it with good grace. I think I need a holiday: really ought to go visit my sis in Greece, although she's a bit of a boozer herself.