Big brother on the trains

I was smoking and thinking at a quiet Ash Vale station today, hungover from the brilliant officers' commissioning ball at Sandhurst, when the tannoy struck up:

"We would like to remind customers that all SouthWest Trains property is non-smoking"

Embarassed, I looked around for spies but could see none. I shyly abandoned the cigarette on the rails and remained at the trackside with my ponderings. A few minutes later the voice crackled back to life:

"We would like to remind customers not to leave any unattended baggage on the station"

As I turned toward my far-off dinner jacket in amazement a couple who'd seen what happened a few minutes' earlier laughed out loud. They pointed to an ugly SIEMENS CCTV camera further along the platform. Oh honestly! I yelled to the camera, to the puzzlement of those who hadn't been following.

So I got on the train - readers will have to trust I'm not making the next bit up - and sat down ready for a doze. But a girl who'd followed me on was speaking on her phone. Yes (a live voice this time):

"Customers in carriages with a yellow sticker are reminded that use of a mobile phone is not permitted in these areas"

The unfortunate girl blushed and finished off her call. "Unbelievable - it's like Big Brother!" I said. Not knowing my story she ignored me, thinking I was trying to get inside her pants.

I soon closed my eyes, hoping sleep would get me before depression. But some soul elsewhere in the train had obviously made himself too comfortable. The voice came back:

"Customers are asked to refrain from resting their feet on the seats. Thank you for your co-operation"

The world is increasingly appalling; I might have to start blogging again.